too long

 I stumbled around my (this) blog and found that the latest entry was in 2019. Read it and wondered:

1. Where did this super highly motivated girl go to?
2. How can I write that? It was a super complicated post and too deep for me.
3. What happened to me when I was able to produce such a post?

I think I was certainly driven by something that somebody said over and over again to my face that I finally had enough of it and decided to rant it all out. Definitely something about people questioning me doing work for free. Mesti punya ni.

The post was straightforward but laden with so much hatred towards the person(s) that said/did anything to my face.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

How time flies. We’re in November 2022. Just shy of 50 days/less before 2023. I think I’ve written about this before but probably in my other online journal. But anyway, just to recap, I was sacked from my Library Assistant job around March/April 2020. I was super sad about it at first and then was feeling super embarrassed about having to start from scratch again. I went to a few failed job interviews. Got into a part-time job courtesy of my beloved sister. Clerical job and are super stressed out on how disorganized they are with their job. No system whatsoever. I decided to send a gift to one of my old colleagues. Just for fun. I got connected and asked her about my old job.

She went straight to HR to talk about me. Decided to lie about why I am going back to KL. Because, like I said, I was embarrassed. Which I should not feel because it's not my fault they sacked me in the first place! Anyway, I went for a talk with the HR lady who is my former boss. It went okay and in January 2021, I was back to my old job.

I had to go through a 6-month probation. Sometime during that time, I was called back for an interview at my previous job but this time with a different post. Something to do with marketing and a resident tutor for one of the houses. Meaning if I were to accept the job, I would be given a room for free and free breakfasts, lunches, and dinners as long as the school is in session. I thought long and hard about this. My father immediately approved of this. He knows how much I love working in this English-speaking environment. My mother will agree with anything I want to do but she specifically asks me to think hard about it since the possibility of going home every weekend like when I was an assistant is out of the question if I were to accept this job because of the resident tutor post. So, I think it's long and hard.

I went to see my HR and talk about this. They aren’t ready to lose me once again because according to them, it was hard when I decided to leave and not be able to find a decent replacement after I’m leaving. So, they sort of countered offered me. I boldly wrote in an email about how much I’m asking and they boldly accepted it.

Long story short, I stay. Not sure if I’m making the right decision. But I just went with it.

Until June this year, my mother was admitted to the hospital because of her stomach. It was a long story but now I can finally see the hikmah of it. I was destined to stay in my current job because I was destined to take care of my mother because who else?

So, I keep peace with it and am glad that I made the decision to stay. Is it the best one? I’m not sure. But just let me say that I certainly made peace with it. I lost my freedom of living independently from my parents but I’m grateful for the roof above my head. 

Anyway, I am currently home quarantining because of Covid. The second time and this time the symptoms are milder than the one I contracted back in March; I think. Sore throat and terrible flu. Other than that, I'm fine. 

Toodles! I will write when I have time because this is actually soothing.

Oh, oh! I still keep up with my promise to keep volunteering more at work. Instead of doing just the daily jobs that are expected from me, I started taking roles in helping people at work organizing events for work. It is actually not bad. Of course, it can be tiring but the feeling of satisfaction after a successful event beats all that tiredness! Plus, the free food I'm getting as a reward. Well, it's better than nothing! And also, the word of encouragement and thank you. I'm kind of addicted to it! But in a good way! HAHAHAHA!

love

Somebody asked me just now, what does love mean to you? I took a minute before answering, sacrifice... Love is a big word. Like yesterday, somebody told me love is a noun, not a verb. Meaning, love itself is not simply a word. It's an act. Love only can be shown/feel with something that you do for someone. That is love and if other people said that hey, I love you. But then go around messing with other people and broke your heart, then that is not LOVE. Love means you have to sacrifice something. Be it your time, money and whatever it takes to show it. But it doesn't mean you need to have a recognition over it. I mean, if you love your sister and you be there for her when she needs you, would you expected her to be the same when you need it? Can't it be simpler than this? Show your love, appreciate the important people and if you are not getting recognised by it, can we just move forward?

I don't even know what's I'm rambling about. Forget it.

So, for the last couple of months, I've been volunteering myself to helping tutor in the house. Most people in the school are very shocked by this fact. I think because it's rare. Because people in the school didn't do anything for free and it's rare that I'm the Library Assistant wanted to work in the house. But let me get this straight

I went to the interview for Resident Tutor for this one house so long ago (feel like ages! but it's only in September) and failed it miserably. I didn't quite understand how I can fail the interview back then, but I understand it perfectly now. I failed mainly because I don't have enough experiences dealing with the kids. I failed because I have a really bad skill in communicating with the kids. I realized it now that if I get that job, I will do it miserably.

But as many of us, I still feel like a loser when I failed that interview. But decided to keep it with me. Until one day (a few days after I got the result), the assistant director of boarding came and see me. He consoled me about my failed interview but asked me to apply for it again when there is an open position. I was like, yeah yeah but will there be an opening in the future? To which he replied, of course! Then he asked me if I am interested to help with morning registration in the girl's house to see how it works and everything. I don't know if he's serious at that time or he was just trying to console me that time. But I said yes and immediately forget about it. 

I don't even know if this guy is serious about it, but then he keeps pestering me about it. Saying that the housemistress will email me and keep asking me the update on it. So I was like, heck, this guy is serious about it, so I might as well took the opportunity and shamelessly email the housemistress itself about it. I'm like, whoa, I won't get this kind of opportunity again in the future so why not. 

I went to work in the house with visions of my own. 

1. I want to learn the skills to communicate with the kids. 

2. I want people to start recognizing me as a capable person. Not just an assistant. (Hats off to all the assistants! We have the coolest job in the world!)

That is my visions and I'm sticking with it. And the reason why I wrote a lengthy post about this is, I want other people to STOP telling me what to do! Of course, I want the money. Who doesn't? But it is not as simple as that. I am well aware of my own capabilities and will move forward when it's the right time. 

Just STOP.

I want to do this with my own pace. My own style. Don't bother about me. Let me do it myself.

There. I've said it. 

And for me, this is an act of LOVE. Sacrifice. I am sacrificing my time and energy to learn about handling the kids. And I definitely didn't need any recognition where it's not due.

Like Abraham Lincoln once said, "Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition."

Adios!

negativity

There is too much negativity going around in my life that I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in it. People keep complaining about everything that they feel is not right but nobody is doing anything to change that. We need more positive people in this world.

When there is too much negativity surrounding me, and then I found someone with a positive view in life, I want to keep her in my pocket and carry her around for constant reminder that life's not that bad. Everything can be solved with enough positivity and a bit of effort to make other peoples life around us, a bit easier thus makes our life easier.

Su, this is for you. TQ for always being that positive reminder that I always need. TQ for all the doa. 

♥️♡❤️💜💚♡♥️

P/S: SP, sorry if you are offended by what I'm saying just now! HAHAHA! Just know that this all will end soon. Hang in there! I know you won't in a million year be able to read this message for you, but you are always there in my heart. 😞

finally finished

Well, a lot has happened during the 2 months summer break. First, it was my first summer break ever. 8 weeks of paid leave. Second, on the 9th of August 2019, my last semester's results were due to be released. I was planning on not sleeping (as usual) to wait for 12am. But failed miserably. Slept like a baby before 12am and woke up at 12.45am to check the result. And alhamdulillah. I passed.

My baby, my dissertation, the one that I dreaded the most, passed. And it officially ended my 2 years journey.

I never thought I would be able to finish this journey on time. And I know that I won't be able to make it without my greatest support system in the whole world. My family and friends.

So yeah, I can now proudly say that I survived my master's journey. So can you. I will not lie, you have to give up a lot of things. Mostly your precious time. But it'll get better.

And of course, you'll have plenty of good times too! New friends. Awesome lecturers and lectures. All the adrenaline before tests and presentations. Sitting down and talk about nothing but how awful the classes are. It's fun. 

If I have a chance to do this again, I would! But not in the near future. I promised myself to do something else when I finished with this journey. Here's to the new ventures! Pray for me.

the end

Oh, I forgot to mention in the last post that I am currently on summer break. A freaking 8 weeks holiday with nothing specific planned except for the TV, sleep, eat and repeat. 😁

Last Friday, 12 July 2019, I finally submitted the dissertation!

summer break and everything in between

So, on 24^th June 2019, I’ve finally presented my dissertation. My baby. The journey to complete it is so freaking hard that I sometimes feel like I’m useless. I keep doing this calculation in my head whether I want to continue doing this or I just want to quit. I was thissssss close to quit and get over with it. But then, I thought, I already spent a ridiculous amount of time and money to get here. Takkan nak stop halfway? What would I say to people who knew that I’m currently doing my master? That I quit? Halfway?

So, I decided not to. But still having a nervous breakdown here and there. When I finally succeeded with my simulation, that one freaking thing that scared me the most, I happily went to the progress presentation on the 26^th April 2016. Went to see my SV the next day because she can’t be there on the day of the progress presentation. She’s not very happy with it. Want me to make some modification. Promised her I can try to do it.

Then, I failed. Miserably.

The coding of the simulation is so perfect on its own that if I change only 1 line, it destroyed the whole simulation. 😭

This time, it taking a bigger toll on me. The simulation is there. I can run it. It runs perfectly. But I cannot do it the way how my SV wanted it. So, what do I do? I read and try a lot of suggestion from forums and websites. And if you follow my dissertation journey from the beginning, you know that my topic is the least popular topic. The amount of resource available on the net about my topic is very limited. I decided to ask a question about my simulation to this one forum. The guy kindly responded to it.

I was very glad. Then I decide, instead of trying to change the already perfect simulation, why not I try to sort of ‘manipulate’ it? Time is running low. I know. But then Prof M send us a text about the final presentation and saying that the report should be sent in on 20^th June 2019. Freaked out because it's already 16^th June that day! Spend sleepless night finishing it all up and managed to send it in on time. Last minute work, always worked! Weird. But I guess once the adrenaline kicks in, only then all the brilliant ideas can get out from my brain. 😂😂

So long story short, I managed to ‘manipulate’ the simulation. Presented it quite well. I must say that I am proud of myself in answering all the question the examiners asked during the presentation. The one thing that scared me the most.

So, the presentation went well. The report is OK with a few corrections to be made. I  am supposed to send it in tomorrow to my SV but my brilliant ideas decided not to get to me yet. So here I am writing, to kind of stimulate it a little bit. 😆😆😆

My master’s journey is ending soon. And see you soon K-Drama! Full marathon commencing in less than a month (?). 😊

P/S: On the progress presentation day, we found out the girl that always freeloading in the group assignment, quit. To tell you the truth, I was a bit relieved. She's been bullying me (by freeloading) and I stupidly accepted it (so it's not only her fault). Relieved because all of my doubt about her capabilities is true then. Kan?

last semester

I'm finally in my last semester! When I start this journey, I am so afraid of so many things. Still afraid of so many things today, too. But to be where I am today proving that being afraid of things will bring you nowhere. 

I am currently struggling to start my dissertation. I'm not even starting yet and still am struggling. it sounds funny but it's really not. who would have thought that it takes a lot of effort to start something? Naf, you've been there, done that. haha. part of it because I am so afraid of it. I don't even know what I'm afraid of, but I am afraid. and I know that being afraid won't get me nowhere. so I'm really stressing over it. part of it is also because I don't know how to start. where do I find the keyword that I can use to google things up? can't even come up with the keyword! arghhhhhhhhh. it's so frustrating! and I don't even know who I can talk to about this thing.

but, if I can go through this hardship, this time next year, I can finally take that long overdue vacation! though I am still broke AF! haha.

ok, let's start! tomorrow I have an appointment with my SV and I don't even prepare anything yet. and worse, we have progress presentation next week, Friday! good luck to me. 😂

p/s: I wanna share something useful that was shared by my school counsellor about mental health couple months back. it's important to differentiate between everyday stress and depression. depression is a whole new level that we don't wanna go while it's normal to be stress about things in our daily life. it's part of it. the stress, I mean. and it's normal. and how you handle that stress, is important.