try again

Semester 3 is ending pretty soon. We have a DRP (Defense Research Proposal) presentation on the 7^th January 2019 which is currently haunting my day and night. We have to come up with a proposal on the dissertation that we will work on next semester. The thought of writing a dissertation next semester is very frightening. The thing is, I don’t have any idea on what to do for my dissertation. It’s very technical and I don’t even know what to do. Then one of my full-time classmates gave me an idea to go see our lecturer last semester to ask for her opinion on this. And she literally gave me the title of my dissertation. One problem, checked! Or so I thought. Little that I know, the title that she gave is so hard and very technical that I don’t think I can do it. My classmate who was doing the same title is currently still stuck in the simulation phase. I am freaking out. Who wouldn’t?

So I’ve been stressed out about this thing alone. Having deep thoughts and wanting to either quit or extend the semester. The cycle during my first semester is repeating itself again. Just imagine, a full-time student which is a lecturer (that basically on a different level than me) is still struggling to complete and present her dissertation (also on the 7^th) and there is me, a basic, clueless girl who seem to dream too big to do a dissertation on a thing that she doesn’t even understand. I am seriously freaking out and stressing out with this issue that psoriasis decided to flare up like crazy. Until I talked to my sister. Her question was: did you do it already? To which I answer: no.

And that, conclude that my fear is completely baseless. I still think that I cannot do it. But, I didn’t even start it yet. I don’t know where this journey will take me to. I am still not really ready to face it next semester. But I got to do what I got to do. So here I am, writing it out in hope that if I ever felt like a loser someday, I can look back and reflect that everything has a solution. So what if other people cannot do it? You do you. Try it first and if you fail the first time, try again. 

new job

So, I’m in the third month of my new job. This new job of mine is a completely new world. Not only because of my workplace is no longer in KL. The town that I live pretty much all my life. But also because I did so many of my ‘first’ here. I now have a housemate. I drive to work now and getting pretty good at it. I do cataloging now after years of not doing it. But it wasn’t so bad. Everything is done through software and everything is on the internet.

I am currently happy working here. First, because I don’t have to deal with people keep bugging me to troubleshoot their laptops, pcs, printers, phones and everything in between. Don’t get me wrong. I love doing those things. But, it’s not great when you already got your hands full of other things that are not yours, to begin with. Now I am only responsible for doing my job. Not others. The one thing that I despised so much doing back in the days! No more people keep intercom me and asked me to go to their room just to ask me to do some job for her just because they can. My day at the office is very simple.

I just have to reach 7.30am. Opened the door for the cleaners. Go and make a cup of tea/coffee with or without fresh milk and have my breakfast. Then I just can resume whatever work that I didn’t finish the day before or read something (book) or do my school work when I feel like I want to.

Yes, I am now serving people that include students and the staff here when they want to borrow, return or renew books. I also help them find whatever books they need. Everything is about books and I love it. As much as I love all those PCs months ago. I still miss the superpower printer that we have at my old office but this printer of our work just fine. There are times that I feel weird having to drive to work when I used to ride a motorbike all years that I have been working.

But above all, I love my job here. I love that I don’t have to deal with super hormonal people at work and even if there are super hormonal people here also, I don’t have to deal with them. I just have to do my job and if I cannot finish it, its ok, I have the next day or the next week to do it. It super laid back and a good paying job and I love it so much! 

😃😃😃

resign.

so, on 2 July 2018, I've tendered my resignation. my good friend during bachelor degree, offered me work at her place. I was hesitant at first. 

first, because I want to finish my master above all.

second, if I can ignore certain people at my office now, I really love my job here.

I went for the interview despite the reasons above. and it was a success! tried to negotiate the salary they offered me, succeed! then a girl that will be my future colleague offered me to rent a room at her house for a very cheap price. the journey itself is so smooth that it feels wrong to not grab this opportunity.

but it still feels like a dream. a bittersweet one. it's a lie if I said that I don't have any kind of attachment to this place. after all, I spent 6 years here. I grew up here. literally. 

but then, deep down in my heart, I know I need this new job to grow. to be a better person in different aspects. and if I were to stay here for at least 2-3 years, I don't see myself being able to reach my goals. I don't see myself grow. I will eventually be the same bitter person who hates every little thing (like the trainee). I will not be capable of owning anything because I am poor. and if I don't accept that job offer, I will be stuck here!

so I take bold chances (I think) by tendering my resignation on that day. it may not be the best decision I have ever made. but maybe I made the right decision? only time will tell.

meanwhile, let me go sit in that corner and cry because I only have 3 more weeks here. I am beyond sad to leave all my babies (laptop, pc, superpower printer). they've been with me since day 1. from the day when I was clueless AF, to this day where I am still clueless but better because of Google (my bae). 

there will come a time when I don't have to worry about troubleshooting things anymore because there will be other people that'll do just that. the job that was once, mine. 

😭 😭 😭

new milestones - achieved!

• 2 June 2018 - First time met Louis at PJ Sentral.
• 9 June 2018 - Drive him for the first time to class. Super nervous! Especially at corners. 
• 24 June 2018 - Drive alone to class. Still nervous but love the freedom it gave me.

So yeah, I can finally use my driving license properly. 😉 😜

And me being 30, finally being able to own and drive a car its a very big achievement. 

I always thought that I will drive one day. I'm imagining and dreaming about it and to be able to finally did it, I am so so satisfied! 

Fav song

I’m that kind of person when I found a song that I like, I will over-listened to it until I am bored with it and have to find other song that will be my next victim. 

Currently listening to a Christmas song by Stevie Wonder and Andra Day. And it’s not even Christmas. 😄

off track

the mid-sem break is just around the corner. after the mid-sem break, we will have another class which mainly consist of final assignments that need to be submitted and presented. and then, Raya break and after that another class before we can be dismissed for semester break which means Semester 2 is over!!

 I am really looking forward for the semester break. but really dreading this 2 weeks (which I already wasted half of it doing nothing) because of the tremendous amount of works! we are really busy at the office at the moment (which i know is an excuse that i should not have) because the peak period of the year is near the end. so we're repping up all work. so, i am super tired. though my work at the office requires nothing physical, except for walking to the printer to collect my printed jobs, I do most of my work sitting down but it is still super tiring. HAHAHA. 

anyway, i don't have time to do self-study at the office because of all the works. and when i go home, i just want to lay down, watch some youtube videos and before i realize it, it already time to sleep! i am not proud of this situation. 

i need to focus and get back on track to finish this semester 2, successfully. arghhhhh. God, give me some strength and focused mind to go through exactly 4 weeks or so. 6 actually if you count the break (that is really in need to finish all the final project and assignment). please. 

pregnant

it seems like everyone around me is pregnant and here I am, nursing my notes and assignments in between everything else. hehe.

i sort of found back the motivation that was lost while i was on semester break. having two different assignment to submit on the same week, wake me up, just like that! hahahaha!!!

coming up with a study plan for the week, also works wonder. i'm currently on track and it seem like its gonna be ok.

it is going to be ok!

one of the lecturer for my class, said, "you are what you said you are." so, i'm gonna be positive that i can definitely do this. i can do this and pass with flying colours this semester! i'm gonna do it. 😊

its seriously not funny.

oh. before i go to that not funny topic. new semester already started. and its been a month already - 4 weeks. of classes. Komuter services is really funny this semester. it usually takes me 1 hour to and from Shah Alam. but nope, it increases to 2 hours! my class started at 8AM every Saturday and Sunday. i have to take the earliest train to reach on time. but that also didn't seem like it's enough. so i'm ditching komuter now and rely solely on my family members to take me to class and my kind classmates to drop me at the nearest LRT station to go back home.

this semester, is definitely tougher. as per predicted. i am still searching for that motivation that i got last semester. its lost. i don't know where it is yet. macam funny. but its not. especially with tougher projects this semester. lets just hope i can go through this one like i did last semester. 

and yes, body shaming is seriously not funny. what are you? middle schooler or high schooler ke? budak sekolah je yg suka benda yg tak lawak camni kan? kau je yang rasa lawak kot.

hentikanlah kerja buat lawak camtu. its 2018 dah oi. 

geleng kepala.

result

the most awaited but yet so frightening day have passed. it's the result day! it was supposed to come out on the 15th of February. but according to my classmates, it may came out early which is the night of the 14th. thinking that it might came out that night, terus rasa macam, oh tak tidur la kita nak tunggu result keluar ni. but nope guys. nope. i slept as soon as i switched off the light and didn't even hear my phone buzzing with tremendous amount of texts from my classmates! woke up at 12.48am to go to the toilet and then checked the e-mail after reading the texts. 

i thought i will be very nervous and everything. but because i checked the e-mail half awake, i didn't really feel anything. screencap the e-mail and sent it to my two bestest friends in this world and go back to sleep. i did feel relieved seeing that i passed all the papers but the excitement aren't there. i was way too sleepy to feel anything! HAHAHAAHA!!

woke up super early that day. have a better look at the e-mail then the excitement kicked in! like, OMG, i passed all papers!! i. passed. all. papers.

the girl that during the first day of class, being mocked for not having any basic in computer networking and decided to pursue her master degree in this field. 

the girl who is always clueless when the lecturers and classmates started throwing some big words that she never heard of.

the girl that just want to get done with the first semester and quit so she don't have to deal with it anymore.

Ya Allah, tq for this. i know i won't be able to do this without You. 

and i know next semester will be tougher. i hope i will get through this too. amin. amin.

so guys, i passed all papers! i swear i am not bragging. there's nothing to bragged about in the first place. i just hope this can be an inspiration. inspiration to me in the future. and inspiration to whoever might be reading this.

first, do not let others make the decision for you. you do you. so what if you don't have any basic in anything? everything is on google now. and i mean EVERYTHING! it's there and it's all up to you. prove them wrong and kick them in the butt for trying to downgrade you. 

second, anything is possible if you put your mind to it. you rasa you stupid sebab tak faham benda apa dorang merepek dalam kelas ni? then, go study! its okay if you feel like you know nothing. but it's not ok if you decided to not do anything about it. do something. anything. 

third, be friend with positive people. i think this applied to anything you want to do in life. seriously, i don't know where will i be without all my positive people that includes my dear family, friends and classmates. 

my bestest friends and I spent the whole day the next day chilling, shopping and eating. it was so nice to reward yourself after all those chaos. 

with that, i hope you too will always have a positive mindset to go through anything in your life. be it work, study, life, etc etc. good luck!

on the edge

our first semester's result will come out this Thursday (15/2). it's been so long that i've been having this kind of feeling. 

that uneasy feeling. that on the edge feeling. 

that, please don't mess with my mood feeling.

i am very fragile right now. i'm having 1000 kind of mixed feelings.

it's exactly how i felt whenever i am waiting for my examination result.

so, please don't mess with me. i can be very ugly and IDGAF if i hurt your feeling because right now, my feeling is the most important thing.

and yes, blame the PMS also. you chose a great time to be here dear Miss PMS!

Commitment, responsibilities

Dear anybody who wishes to further your study, part time. 

Sebelum isi borang, pergi daftar and bayar yuran, ask yourself this:

Aku rajin ke nak pergi kelas balik?

Aku boleh sacrifice ke masa berehat aku utk study aku?

Aku boleh ke buat assignment semua nanti?

Kalau yg group assignment tu, takat mana aku boleh commit?

Kalau kau jawab tak utk one of the above, stop. Tak payah teruskan niat kau boleh? 

Sbb kau bakal menyusahkan diri kau dan yg paling penting org sekeliling kau.

Sebab kau tu, tiap kali kena balik kena hantar assignment, kau kena balik kampung and pastu menyusahkan group member kau. Habis tu, kau je ada life? Kau je ada event? Org lain tak payah? 

Pastu tlg la ye, jgn rasa diri paling pandai. Plg boleh buat semua, effortlessly. Pastu, ke laut. Jahanam. End up, bdk yg kau rasa paling bodoh ni yang kena hadap kau pny stupidness! 

Kau dengan selfish attitude kau, boleh pergi mampus. I’ve had enough. 

Baru satu sem wehh. Pray for me. 

P/S: yes I’m not perfect. There are times when i feel like i don’t want to do anything. I just want to watch tv and do nothing. But, responsibility is responsibility. I signed up for this. Nobody ask me to. So, whether i like it or not, i still has to do it. Kan?