backstabbing b****

sitting at the very end corner of the office have its perks and disadvantages. the perks includes:

• having my own corner
• watching all movies/dramas/tv show that i want, alone
• i can eat lunch alone, and nobody would bother me
• i don't have to talk if i don't want to. what's the point in talking when people don't really notice you? HAHA!
• and many many more which i don't need to revealed. :P

it also have its disadvantages too. well, like i said earlier, often time, people don't really noticed you are there. and it can be very lonely at times. but only sometimes. i also often being left out from most of the conversation which i don't really care. but this also made me realized important thing. that people can be very mean/annoying/jerk and etc.

i am not an angel myself. but sometimes, when they thought i was listening to my songs (i always wear my headphone even there is nothing playing. it became a habit. sampai office, sit down, drink some water and my hand will automatically reach for the headphone. and it will always be there on my head as long as i'm at my table. hehe.) when i really wasn't, i will hear they start bitching about somebody. often times, its people that they are close with. 

well, i mean who doesn't? kan. i know i do it too. but not to people i'm close to. not to people that i rely to. not to people you asked for help. and certainly not to people that you call friend. that's straight up backstabbing! i've been there. i know the feeling of being backstabbed. and its not pretty. what's even disgust me some more when they can act like its nothing. then like its nothing, go to surau for prayer. and hope it will disintegrate into the air ke? like whatttttt the F, motherF? 

and here i am.. what am i suppose to do? i hear that they will talk about whatever they were bitching about that day, to the person they are backstabbing, but they never did that? i never once saw/hear about it. so what do they expect? that people they backstabbed can improve themselves? who didn't need reminder in life? we all need constant reminder. and its not wrong. well, for me, its not. i need that reminder. to remind me that i'm on the right track. so that i can improve myself, my work and eventually make people's life around me, easier. 

i think i should stop here. i am really sick of this.

i imagine all the worst thing when i hear them bitching. 

what if i'm not there? are they bitching about me? 

if yes, about what? it will break my heart to pieces if its true.

2016

GOING TO END VERY SOON. 

the last time i write, was last July. nothing big had happened since then. was very busy going back and forth in the office since the receptionist at the office on maternity leave for 3 months before Raya and management decided to not take anyone to replace her temporarily so i had to take the job. without any extra pay. wtf betul. tapi lantak la. malas nak fikir byk. buat sakit hati.

and its been quite some time since i last read a book. 

been trying to find back the rajin-ness but haven't found it yet. 

watched multiple of korean shows every week and countless k-dramas and movies that i seriously doubting hollywood movies now. HAHA.

but, Finding Dory is the cutest movie ever! cannot wait for Moana. (always a big fan of cartoon)

Makngah is going for Umrah this December. she called to informed me about it. she sincerely thanked me for wiring her money every month to her TH account that she can finally use that money for something. its not much. she can't even be nominated to perform hajj yet with the money that i sent to her every month. but, hearing that the money will be used for good, which is umrah, is also very rewarding for me. may Allah blessed her. amin..

so yeah, that's basically it. not really looking forward to 2017. mainly because i didn't achieve anything yet this year. i don't really improved in anything this year. 

hey future Nafisah, when you read this, please know that at this time, you are feeling fine. 

bila nak kahwin?

so, as usual, that question is very popular question bila jumpa extended family. kan? and as usual, i answered them honestly, i don't know. or maybe next year. i always brushed it off and changed the topic. its not because i hate them asking me question that i don't know the answer but i know that they are also trying very hard to initiate the conversation. after all, we rarely see them kan? so layan je la.

we saw MakNgah, our favourite makcik. well, we have many of them. but MakNgah hold a special place in our heart. mainly because she was the one who was there to act as an adult to Ma & Abah after our Opah passed away. she took care of us. most importantly, she took care of Hariz, my brother when Opah was gone so suddenly. he was still a baby and MakNgah is an angel sent from above. may she be protected and bless by Him. Amin.

so yeah, we saw her. its a yearly ritual. she asked me the same question. i answered it with: tahun depan kot MakNgah. she took it seriously. or i thought so. because she was hoping that i will go visit her next year with my other half. HAHAHA. so, i asked her to doa for me. and she said she always did that.

she always prayed that my sister and i will meet our other half and get married so she can finally see it. i was closed to tears. i never knew that. well, people always asked that question and i never expect to hear that. that there are some people who prayed for other people's happiness. isn't that so beautiful?

it remind me to always be nice because we never knew.

so, next time, if people ask you that question, just answer them. bukan susah pun. tak payah bitter sangat kan? kahwin tahun dpn or tak, you never knew. :)

Doa Mak

I've experienced multiple times the power of doa mak. Doa your mother. Once when I was trying to solved a problem at work. I tried different methods trying to solved it before I finally call her up and asked her to doa for me so that I can resolved the issue and go home since its getting late at that time. After that, poff, solved. Magic happened. I believed its her doa. I strongly believe it. 

Then I fall sick. What i thought was a cough that will go away eventually, turned out to be something else. Its asthma attack actually. I cannot sleep at night because of the never ending cough. Plus the shortness of breath. One night before I go to sleep, I ask her to doa dekat air that I was going to drink. And I sleep really soundly that night. 

That proves me once again that doa mak is a very powerful things in this world. So, please be nice to your mother. Not because you're afraid of the doa. Because she deserved the love. The kindness and all the nice things in this world. She's your mother after all. May Allah bless all the mothers in this world. Amin. 

Big deal.

I grew up with multiple cases of tonsillitis. Sometime its gone after 2-3 days. Sometime it takes a week or two to be completely healed. Other times, its so worse that it affected my daily life. It also cause me to been admitted to the hospital a few times. Did anybody who makes this such a big deal, took some time to go and see me when I was admitted? Nope. Of course I didn't even hope that they will come. I rather spend that time sleeping than entertaining people. What makes me sad is that, this one person who recently admitted because of high fever and maybe tonsillitis (I don't know because I don't care), suddenly it such a big deal. Hmphhh. Sorry not sorry. Let me just be that cousin who own a motorcycle and won't even bother to go visit. Let me be. I got so many other good things that I can do rather than worrying about what you and your family think about me. In the meantime, please think about what you did. 

The new cleaner.

My office just hired a new cleaner replacing this one Kakak that we all adored so much. That Kakak have to go back home because of her pregnancy. We all love her so much but we cannot do anything. So the company hired a new cleaner to replace her. I was told to guide and monitor her work. Its been over a month. She's slowly getting better. But the thing is, its so slow it makes me very frustrated. I don't know if the fact that she's older than previous Kakak that made her so slow or our previous Kakak set the bar too high for this new lady to catch up. I really hope its the latter. And the new Kakak will get better. 

Why do I need that assurance? Because I am responsible of her work performance. I have to report to the bosses. And most importantly, I want all the normal things that we used to have, will always be there. 

Please pray for Kakak. Amin. 

Manners.

Some people think that they're so great they can make other people do anything that they want. Where are their manners? Didn't they learn it at school? Or they think they are so great they don't need it? 

Bucket List.

I have so many things in my bucket list that I don't know where to start from. I want to further my studies. I want to travel. I want a better job with better salary. I want to be a better daughter to my parents. I got so many more that sometimes I feel like I'm lost. Lost in my own list that I made up without even realizing that I am in charge of that list. I made the list myself. And I should be able to control it. 

So, starting today, I will be in charge of my own list. One thing at a time. Then it should be Ok. 

Leaving Time.

Love this book so much! So much different from the usual storyline. Love it so much that I might read it again in the future. Kudos Jodi Picoult! :)

Stillness.

I love how quiet and still the office is after 6pm. Its so serene. I love it. Especially after spending the day running back and forth to settle all works. I need the quietness for a while. To do my thing. 

I love how I can be just by myself even for a shortwhile. Without talking or even making an effort to be nice to others. 

28th.

I'm officially 28 today. Though I didn't feel like it. Hehe. I do feel younger than my age. No. I'm not in denial. I know that I'm getting older by the day. But I realize that as I'm getting older there are so many things that I have yet to learn. 

For example, my communication skills. I thought that as I got older, it will get better. But oh boy. I was wrong. Very wrong. Age doesn't make it any difference in this case. And that explain why I have so little friends. Hahahah. I'm happy with the little group of friends that I have. I just wish that someday, I will get better in making new friends. 

I also wish that I will not judge people too easily in the future. 

But other than that, I am very happy with my life right now. No clue or sign what so ever when I will be getting married. Thought of that so much given that all my friends are married. But no drastic change on that part of my life yet. Still single. And happy. Really am. 

To future me who are reading this, you are very happy on your 28th birthday. You spend the birthday night and morning with Bebitt. Eat mcd, nasik lemak, nasik kukus ayam berempah. Had a big cup of mocha that you bought in front of stadium slyg. I hope you still happy as I am today. If not, nvm. It will get better. It always will. Love you. 

Escape.

This is where I go to if I need some pick me up. The so called server room. My escape room. The little room that nobody cares about except me. Thank you room. For providing me with some comfort.  

P/s: feeling a bit down today. Hoping that this feeling will go away soon. 

Mental.

Do you ever feel like so mentally exhausting? Like your body can function well and all but your brain just feel so so tired and you don't feel like doing anything at all. I feel exactly like that when meeting with this particular person. The environment is so negative that I just want to get away from it. Gahhhhhhh. 

Repetition.

I am getting sick of this. Doint the same things over and over again. Him doing the same mistakes. And me, having to fix the mistakes, again. My question is, didn't he even learn something from the previous mistake? And I have to learn how to do things differently after this. Bosan!

Ma

This is Ma. My Ma. I love her so much. I love that she can be very positive about anything. Whenever i have things that bother me a lot, i turn to her and seek for advice. She always came up with the best advice. Even at times it doesn't make sense, it eventually will. Love you Ma. 

same.

that moment when you finally realized that you are being treated the same even though you think you already work your ass off for it. even though you already pass the average marks. i don't know how long will this feeling stay with me. but i know that i am angry right now. and unsatisfied. and don't know how to vent out this disappointment. so i opt to just keep quiet with it and hope that this feeling will go away. 

hi future me, in case you are reading this and have no idea what is this about, well, its the time of the year that you get the letter from management about your appraisal,assessment,etc. and we both know how it went. so yeah..

adik

He asked me to bought him a burger yesterday. I asked back, "taknak sos kan?". Then he said, "eh, bubuh la. rugi je nanti." Said adik who didn't even eat chili sauce/anything spicy. And his definition of rugi is so cute. Hehe.

Angry!

When people who knew that I cannot drive and don't even have a car asked me to fetch them from somewhere and the fact that the person can drive and own a car, really makes me angry. What is this person thinking of? If I can drive and own a car, I would gladly drive myself to anywhere I want to go. I don't have to rely on nobody like that. I hope that this person know that we're all working. We're all very tired at the end of the day. And we all have something to tend to after work. I've been working for only 3 going to 4 years but I only want to stay at home and do nothing after work. I've had enough. 

clean slate

i created a new facebook account. and this time around, i accepted all friend requests. provided i knew them. its really easy this time around because i started new and i have nothing to hide. 

p/s: i have nothing to hide (nothing really confidential to start with) through my old facebook account. i just don't want people to sneak through my old (stupid) posts, pictures and etc.

Social media.

I never add friend/follow or allow anyone from the office to follow/add me on both my facebook and instagram accounts. I don't know why. But I want to put a line between work and my personal life. I want the relationship that we have is strictly in the office only. Yup. I know I sound very snobbish. But I had enough of people trying to make me do things. So the point is, I want my work and personal life to be separated. I'm happy that way and that's because I will always reject their friend/follow request on my account. Just recently, one of senior auditor in my office resigned. On her last day, she asked to follow my instagram. I refused at first. But she said that, she will no longer be in the office. And I thought, yeah thats ok. Now, its very shocking when I scrolled my feed and saw faces that I only see when I'm in the office. Hahahahah!! Its weird and so far so good. 

priceless moment.

This picture was taken while we’re waiting for the MRT to USS last November 2013. It was my first trip to somewhere with my friends after I graduated. I love all the moments while we’re there. The one that I remember most is; one of our trip back to our hostel, we’re queuing to top-up our MRT card. Then there was this auntie who also queuing up in front of us. Suddenly she laugh out loud. We panic. But actually it turned out that she tore up her pants that she’s wearing that time. We laugh with her. It was a real hilarious moment. Not a pretend one and that’s why I remember that moment the most.

The fact that the auntie laughed with us, the strangers she met at the MRT station, made it a priceless memory. The fact that we was able to laugh with her that moment after our very long day, made it memorable.

P/S: and then there was this one time when we got off at this one station to go to India Street and my sister with my cousins didn't get off at the same station and we had no way to communicate with them. My friends and I then walked along the street. Managed to find some treasures (read: delicious chocolates) for very cheap at the Mustafa Centre. Then got lost when we try to find back the MRT station. Then we walked and walked and asked everybody who’s willing but nobody knew and magically found our hostel at the end of the road. I think we walked close to 10KM that night. Deepavali was just around the corner that time, so it was very festive that night. I love that moment. I love the trip. I won’t change anything in the world for that memories. :)

habit.

I’ve read somewhere that in order for you to stick with a new habit, you must do it continually for at least 21 days. I’m doing it now for my baby brother. He’s in school. Last year was very terrible year for him. He loves Ipad, games and YouTube so much he’s ruining himself. So, just before school started this year, we made a pact. That he only get his Ipad if he’s attending both (Kebangsaan & Agama) school without fail for 5 days straight. In addition to that, he must complete all his homework before going to sleep. He will only get the Ipad on Friday night and must give it back to me on Sunday at 5pm. We are currently in the third week. And so far it’s been very good. But it’s still too early to say that.

He still trying to negotiate the rules with me but I am sticking with it. I hope this will last and it will become a good new habit for him. 

For extra reward, he made me promise to buy him one new comic for him per month. well, it's ok I think. :)

P/S: I love how we both have the same interest. We both love anything related to IT. Reading. And watching good movies. 

new hobby.

or not. HAHAHA. I can’t remember whether as a child I ever played with Lego or not. I don’t think so. Because the fondest memory of my childhood toys is our (my sister and I) cooking toy set. We also spend a whole LOT of times playing outside as a child. We live in a small kampong where everybody knows everybody. And we have all these seasons as we called it, where we play different kind of games in different seasons. It was so much fun growing up in kampong. Anyway, the point is, I have never played Lego in my life. Maybe I had but I can’t really remember it.

So when they came out with this mini version of Lego, I’ve been meaning to try it for such a long time. But I don’t know that it can be so expensive. Well, RM20 for me is expensive. Haha. Last month during our holiday at Melaka, I found it and just bought it there and then. Go home and started doing it. Now I know why some people are so addicted to it. It is addictive. Like a puzzle. You won’t sleep so well at night until you solve the puzzle. That’s how I felt those 2-3 days when I failed to build the body. I am so bad at it. But considering that it’s my first time building something using Lego, I am proud of myself. HAHA. So yeah, if I ever found something like this again anywhere, I will buy it and challenge myself again.

P/S: the feeling of accomplishing something is so wonderful. It’s almost addictive.